It's something every working woman has experienced - "Mommy Guilt" - that tug of pain a mom feels when she gives her child into someone else's care, the confused resentment inside when her child falls down and runs to someone else's arms for comfort, the brief, uncomfortable conversation when she calls her child from a business conference. If her child has behavior problems, difficulties in school, or a fight with a friend, the mother is certain that these things are solely attributable to her job. In her mind, she thinks that if she were not working, if she did not value or need her career, she would be a much better mother.
People, even experts, will argue many different things about the influence of a parent's absence because of a career. Many would argue that the child would be better off with a full-time housewife as a mom, but the probability is that the career mother is not very enthused by the idea of being a housewife. Some people are, and make a great career out doing it very well. However, for most people, staying at home full-time is not very satisfying for long. If that is the case, the child would not be living with a full-time happy mother but instead with a person who is unfulfilled, and who may feel resentful, empty and bored. It's terrific for a woman to imagine, while lying in her hotel room or driving to work, the mother that she would be if she could only stay home all day long. That imaginary mother would always be in a good mood, would spend hours teaching her children social and academic skills, and would serve milk and cookies to all of the neighborhood kids. But the truth is that the real mother would get tired sometimes, be irritable sometimes, and make mistakes in raising her children. The fact is that full-time mothers have Mommy Guilt, too.
This is not to say that children thrive without parental input. Kids do need mom and dad and they do need to feel valued and connected. Moms and dads need to create an ethos, an atmosphere in the family, and they can't do that if they are always gone. They need to spend time explaining and enforcing their values, making sure that the child's environment is stimulating and safe, and providing warmth, understanding and fun. But children also need strong, powerful and mentally healthy parents, so it is important to consider the parents' needs along with the child's needs. Sometimes, that's quite a balancing act. Nonetheless, it is possible for a woman to reach for the stars and still hold a child in her arms. It may not be easy, and sometimes she may miss a star and sometimes she may jiggle the child, but it is important for the child to see and value the attempt. This gift is often just as important as the gift of extra time, especially if that time comes at a financial or emotional cost.
But the problem with Mommy Guilt is not just that it is unproductive or that it may be based on the incorrect assumption that by staying home a woman is automatically a better parent. The problem with Mommy Guilt is that it makes an ineffective parent. We all know divorced dads who become ineffective fathers because they only see their children on Sundays and struggle to give them everything they want (the ones we jokingly call "Disneyland Dads"). In the same way, a mother who worries that she is depriving her child by having a career is likely to behave ineffectively if she allows her guilt to determine her parenting decisions. And the child often learns to use that guilt to manipulate the mother into situations, decisions or compromises that weaken her authority or are bad for the child. A good example of this is the mother who said, "I want him to go to bed after I read him a story, because I want him to learn to go to sleep by himself. But he wants me to rock him to sleep. I hate to disappoint him because I've been gone all day, and he screams if I don't do it his way. So we can be there for hours." Not only are both the mother and child losing sleep in this example, but the child is also experiencing several hours of anxiety in a power struggle that is created by mom's indecision. And the indecision is fueled by Mommy Guilt.
If she is to remain effective as a parent, a working mother needs to maintain her boundaries and limits, make her expectations and needs clear, and sometimes even risk having a bad evening. She needs to maintain and nurture her relationship with her husband - as much for her child as for the parents, because the child suffers if the parents do not remain connected. She needs to continue to care for her personal health and happiness, because the child needs a strong and competent mother. (On an airplane, the airline personnel tell parents to put the oxygen mask on themselves first and then to place it on their children, because if the parents pass out the children will not be able to put the mask on themselves. The same thing is true with mental health. Parents must take care of their own mental health because if they do not then the children have nobody to rely on. This is why, if mom is stressed or depressed, the children are usually stressed or depressed.) If Mommy Guilt is causing the mother to neglect her own sanity, her relationship with her spouse, or the values of the household, the child is not gaining anything. In fact, it might be argued that the guilt is simply serving as an excuse to help the mother feel that she is "paying" for her decision to work. She becomes a martyr, and her child is the one who really pays the price.
Giving up the guilt is not easy. First, the mom needs to look carefully at her decisions and lifestyle and decide how much time away she really does believe is appropriate, either for financial or personal reasons. If she decides that a certain amount of time is necessary, then she should take that time because she believes it is the right thing to do. If she decides that she needs to adjust the amount of time she spends away, then that is what she should do. In other words, she needs to take responsibility for her decision. But once the decision has been made, it is made. No guilt accrues if she is doing what she believes is necessary or correct. She may feel sad sometimes, or frustrated often, or worried always, but she cannot allow herself to feel guilty. It's just not good for her child.